NFL 2017 Fantasy Vultures
The 2017 NFL regular season has come and gone so it’s time to highlight the biggest life sucking vultures of the year. A vulture is somebody who snatches the life right out of a fantasy owner causing sickness, grief and heroic amounts of profanity. Let this list help show that sadness can come from anywhere, but most importantly that the universe gives no fucks about you or your starters for fantasy. So here’s my double middle finger Fantasy Vulture salute.
Tevin Coleman: The two headed monster of the 2016 Falcons seemed to have found stable ground in 2017 with the 5 year extension of Devonta Freeman. The contract gave fantasy owners a sense of relief and confidence that Freeman will reign supreme as a true #1 back. Unfortunately though like the shitty ex who gave you herpes, gone but not forgotten Tevin Coleman reappears at the most untimely moments to vulture away your hopes and dreams. This Atlanta venereal disease snatched up 5 rushing TD’s compared to 7 for Devonta Freeman, so settled back field? Go fuck yourself Hotlanta as fantasy owners continue to weep over a screaming dick that will inevitably rear its ugly head again next season.
Alvin Kamara and Mark Ingram: There’s little doubt that Kamara was the breakout offensive rookie of the year for 2017. With the departure of Adrian Peterson, the door was supposed to open for Mark Ingram to regain his status as leader of the Saints rushing attack. Then out pops a weasel, a rookie with the quickness and agility to confuse defenses across the league. Not only was Kamara taking precious snaps away from Ingram, but he changed the face on the entire Saints offense. To say that Kamara was a true vulture for Ingram fantasy owners is definitely a stretch. Ingram put up career numbers this year with 1124 rushing yards and 12 rushing TD’s. The true vulture came from both RB’s as they brought Drew Brees (a notably high priced fantasy QB) back down to pedestrian numbers for a large part of the season. The time has come to rethink your draft next season, the gun slinging scar face might succumb to the NWO of rush first and throw darts second for the remainder of his career.
The Entire Patriots backfield: First off, good luck trying to figure out Bill Belichick’s game plan each week. Fantasy owners have had a tough enough time deciding between Dion Lewis and Mike Gillislee, now enter Rex Burkhead. You have a better chance at winning the all night drunk thirsty girl text-a-thon than choosing the best option in the Patriots 3-headed backfield week to week. Leave it to Equinsu Ocha (White Devil!!) himself Belichick to play such wicked games throughout the season, but such is life and you’re a fool if you try to solve the puzzle each season. Just to get an idea how tough it is to choose between the three, currently the touchdown count is almost even across the board at 5 with only Dion Lewis squeaking ahead with 6 rushing TD’s. The odds are never in your favor, so take heed and listen…these are not the RB’s you’re looking for my fantasy Star Wars nerds.
To be honest I love taking the pessimists view because projections almost always leave fantasy owners wanting by weeks end. Be thankful the world was spared this year by perineal trusty steed Mike Tolbert, a notorious vulture. Shady owners should rejoice as Tolbert, a tub of freshly churned butter, was held to only one TD this season. I’m reminded of an old saying that goes “if my guys could just hit their projections I should win”, a statement that’s unfortunately all too common. Instead of looking at the projected positive point values, think about who could possibly screw you the most. Next year plan your draft accordingly, cause the three highlighted vulture situation’s above will hold true for at least one more season. Lastly, never forget the most important advice, the universe gives NO FUCKS about you or your fantasy dreams.